so summer happened...

yes, i'm still here. yes, i survived summer with 3 kids at home...alone. things i didn't do...anything that required alone time. it was a fun summer but i am glad to be getting back on a schedule. so hopefully that means i'll be blogging a bit more than say, none. i'm still trying to figure out what i want to do here. this has been kind of my outlet from mommydom and i like that. so i may post some about happenings in our house but mostly, i'm not sure our life is exciting enough to merit reading. not that my random thoughts merit reading but sometimes i just need to get them out! so let me tell you about my recent conversion....

let me be clear here. i despise minivans. i'm not sure if it is one word or two and i don't care b/c i hate them. they are the ultimate mom mobile. and not that i mind a mom mobile per say, but i do mind looking like a complete geek while driving around. if i'm going to have to endure my kids treating my car like a trash can with their empty juice boxes, stray goldfish, mushed up raisins in the carpet, and lord help us if we don't bring a toy every time we get in the car, then i think i deserve to drive a car that is respectable looking on the outside. no, rephrase, i NEED a car that looks good on the outside. i can't let the world know that i'm really just a frazzled mom of three that typically has all cup holders filled with half empty cups on any given day. but then....

i had to have some work done on my car which left me with a rental for 9 days. when i got to the rental company there waiting for me in all its heinous glory was a white minivan. oh sweet lord. are you kidding me? not only do i have to drive this dustbuster, it has to be as white as the sun? that shouldn't draw attention at all. so i get the keys and i notice there's this button on the keyless entry that has the sliding doors on it, so i press it. magically, as if from a fairytale, the doors open by themselves and my kids get in. no climbing over seats, no arguing about who can get in first. well, i'm still skeptical....for only 24 hrs. after 1 day of driving this gleaming white bullet of a car, i am IN LOVE!!! i want to shout it from the rooftops: "I'M A MINI LOVER!!!!!" not only do i not have to open anyone else's door but my own, i have more room around my seat, i'm not being bounced around like in the suburban and my kids think this car is the greatest! my 6 yr old got in for the first time and said "Mom, i can't believe this car has country music too!" yes it does, son. yes it does. well, obviously he was not aware that our suburban did not have the patent on country music, but it was really funny when he said it. so i will be the first to admit i shouldn't have knocked it until i tried it. i wish i could trade my car in for one but unfortunately the green monster does not bear as much value as the minivan i would want. what, no one wants the melted starburst in the carpet? scratches on the side of the car from when i brushed by a street sign? no takers? these just mean the green monster has "character", friends. so to all my minivan driving friends, i apologize for judging you based on appearance alone. i now realize how terribly wrong i was....i mean, i still think they're geeky-looking, but once you get inside it no longer matters b/c you are no longer physically exhausted from getting kids in and out of the car. and this is worth all the geekiness in the world to me.

last day

so today was day 40. the last day of the experiment. when i woke up this morning i prayed that God would show me what he wanted me to do today. i always get a bit nervous about that b/c you never know what God's going to lead you in to. but as i was driving something dawned on me. the road i take almost every day to run errands was badly damaged by the flood. after the flood, i think it was closed for about 3 weeks b/c there were huge mudslides on several different parts of the road. and once it reopened, there was still much work to be done. i have seen the same workers out there every day in the blazing hot sun working to cover the hill areas with rock, almost like a retaining wall. moving rock all day in 90-100 degree heat? no thanks. but i'm so grateful they do b/c i literally use this road every day. so i thought what does anyone want on a hot summer day? sonic drinks!! so the kids and i get to sonic just 9 pitiful minutes after happy hour's over. bummer. oh well. so i get some cherry limeades and we're off. so i'm kinda excited thinking about giving these guys a little surprise treat! so i'm getting closer to where the construction is going on and there are no moving backhoes or excavators or anything...yes, i do know sort of what these things are b/c i have boys. oh crap. they're gone. what the heck am i supposed to do with these drinks? one of which has spilled a bit into my console...that won't be sticky. no worries, the stickiness will compliment the goldfish crumbs and mashed in raisins nicely. i was a little bummed that the workers weren't there so i may have to do that another day this week. i'm sure they're job is not one that is appreciated often so it would be nice to give them some sonic love! anyway, i ended up taking the drinks to my husband's work where they were enjoyed thoroughly. i did tell my husband they were not supposed to be the original receivers of this kindness but he didn't seem to mind. so the act of kindness didn't go as planned but at least someone was able to benefit.

so what i've realized in the last 40 days is that 40 days is a long time! how did jesus fast in the wilderness for 40 days? noah was stuck on a boat for 40 days....in the rain. how did these people do it? i had to do 1 little thing a day that many times depended on my circumstances. these people lived in complete chaos for 40 days. you know that boat smelled rancid after day 1! and jesus had to physically starve in the wilderness while satan tempted him. seriously? a piece of cake looks at me and i'm done. i'm very glad to have done this little experiment to honor something that i feel God wanted me to do, but i also enjoyed getting out of my head for a bit. i get so caught up in my own circumstances and life that i rarely take time to look around. it's easy for me to become very self-involved/child-involved. if i get too self-involved, i begin focusing on the things i don't think are right in my life or things i don't like about myself. this make me a much less grateful person. this makes me an uglier person on the inside. when i become too child-involved, i lose myself and my identity. i go into mom mode and forget who i am as a person. i become too focused on this one facet of my life. yes, it is a large facet, but it is still only part of who i am. if i get too into this mode i start thinking,"what am i going to do when they're gone? what if i don't know how to do anything else? i don't know what my passions are, so what am i going to do with myself when there are no kids to take care of?" this is the most frightening place, my friends. to think i have put all my eggs in this basket and one day, those eggs will hatch and the chicks will leave. now all i'm left with is an empty basket. depressing, i know. but when i am others-focused, this is when i am most confident. i have less time to think about my "problems" and more time to think about doing something for someone else. this is an awesome feeling. and let me clarify, the "problems" i'm talking about are silly superficial things like, "man, i wish my house were cuter i.e. clean. man, i wish i had cuter clothes i.e. less back fat to fill my clothes. man, i wish my kids would just listen to me and obey i.e. exactly what i just said, OBEY PLEASE!" these things are minor things that can become major things if i let them. so although i won't be diligently doing intentional acts of kindness daily, i hope to continue it by making an effort to think of others more. i hope to continue blogging but i'm not sure about what. i may try another 40 day experiment but i need to give some thought and prayer to what it should be. if you have any suggestions i'd welcome them...you know, from the 4 people that read this blog. thanks friends!

so i feel bad for not writing in a while but honestly i haven't really felt like i've had anything worth writing about. i've still been doing my kindnesses every day and i have to admit, sometimes i love it and sometimes i don't. sometimes i feel like i have a lot going on with my kids being home for the summer so i don't always want to focus outward. so this experiment has definitely been challenging me to see beyond my schedule for the day and realize blessing someone else's life might actually make my day better in the process (how unselfishly selfish of me). this last statement reminds of the friends episode where joey challenges phoebe to find a selfless good deed b/c every time you do something nice it, usually, makes you feel good too. and joey thought that was selfish b/c you were only doing nice things to make yourself feel good. which, to be honest, is a little bit true. it does make me feel good to do nice things for others. where i get tripped up is when i think these good things are all about making me look or feel a certain way. that's when the devil dangles pride right in front of my face. and pride is an ugly little thing, isn't it? it makes us so puffed up and fools us into thinking we're really good people. when the truth is, we have no good in us except for the good jesus put there. i'm reminded daily of how little good i have in me when i catch myself yelling at my kids, or gossiping, or being short with my husband. these are things that remind me of how much i need jesus' grace b/c he knows i don't deserve it. but i'll take it every day of the week!

so i did a little baking this week b/c who doesn't looove receiving baked goods? so i thought i'd make some peanut butter cookies for some of the men we had working at our house this week. they didn't speak english but they seemed grateful...and confused. they were probably thinking, "this girl just gave us peanut butter cookies with nothing to drink and it's 90 degrees outside! she must be muy loco!" in my defense, i'm pretty sure they had water bottles. i also baked some bread for my neighbor who's having her kitchen renovated. i know how much i would hate to be out of a kitchen and thought she and her husband might enjoy something homemade. when i took it to her she showed me her kitchen and it made me want to cry. there was literally nothing in it besides the floor and the walls. no appliance, no cabinets, no sink, no counters, nothing. she said it's been that way for 6 weeks. and seeing that i would love to redo my kitchen one day, this completely freaks me out! i mean, no kitchen. with 3 kids. come to think of it....my kids would LOVE this!!! they could eat out every night and not have to eat their designated 3 bites for dinner. chicken nuggets, cheese quesadillas, and fish sticks every night, YES! sad, b/c i'm an ok cook. i'm definitely not horrible, my roast could use some work but really i can follow a recipe so my meals usually come out ok. but when your kids don't eat grilled anything, green veggies, casseroles or things with a chicken texture...options are limited. well, i've gotten a bit off task now haven't i? sorry. anyway, i think i may need to invite these neighbors over for dinner sometime soon. and i also think it's about time i get to know some more of my neighbors. we know a few but you never know when you'll need a cup of sugar! til next time...

mamaw and turtles

to begin this post, i have to mention that i've been so incredibly blessed to have had all 4 of my grandparents up until this past february when i lost my grandaddy. and because we lived about 30-45 min. away from both sets we saw them a lot growing up. now that one of them has passed, i realize that i've taken them for granted for many years. just kind of assuming they'd always be around. but now that my mamaw is living alone in the house she and my grandaddy shared, i think about her a lot. i don't necessarily worry about her...she's pretty self sufficient and doesn't need any help getting around. but i do think about what it would be like to lose the person you share your day with. my grandparents have been retired for many years, so they were together a lot. they were also married for close to 60 years...unbelievable! so to not have that person around anymore, i think about her not having someone to talk to. she has 4 kids and many grandkids so i know she is well taken care of. but nonetheless, i've been calling her. i try to call in the evening if it's not too terribly crazy at my house b/c i would imagine that's when it gets lonely. when the day is almost done. you've been busying yourself all day and then it's the night...and no one else is there with you anymore. we don't talk about anything too terribly important. but i must say, i really enjoy talking to her! she's quite the funny lady! and i really do wish i had been calling her more regularly throughout my life. she has much wisdom to impart and since i'm her grandkid, she's always encouraging me and telling me how much she loves me...who doesn't love that? anyway, this is one of the things i did this week and really, it felt more like she was blessing me. funny how when you give, it always seems to come back to you.

in other news, i was running this week, yes, running and i saw a turtle in the middle of the road. now, something you have to understand about me is that i'm not really an animal person. i mean, i like dogs, if they're not too big and don't jump all over me. but cats, they can lick themselves into oblivion for all i care. birds, kinda freak me out. bugs, well, i hate them...for some reason i think a cockroach could very literally multiply in size and attack me at any moment. and reptiles, well, they're scaly and just kinda gross. so, when i saw this turtle i stopped for about half a second and thought, "poor guy, maybe i should get him to some grass." then, on second thought, "nah, he'll make it across. this street's not too busy." so i continue my sorry excuse for a run...who knew one could get so out of shape in a little over a month? pathetic, i know. so i take a few ragged strides forward and i look ahead. oh no. the turtle's buddy. very unfortunate fate for this little guy. death by tire smooshing. i turn around and look at the turtle i left behind. guilt seizes me. i run back and say a quick prayer that he won't get a go-go gadget neck to turn and bite me when i pick him up. i pick him up about as far back on the shell as i can get, just in case this is some sort of super turtle with a crane neck (hey, you never know). then i place him in the grass. and yes, this was my act of kindness. lame to some, but for me quite courageous since i totally got the heebie jeebies about picking him up. then i continue on in the torturing of my body and look to my left. there to my left is one of the most horrifying of all of God's creatures. a vulture. waiting for me to pass so he can go dig in to my turtle's buddy (yes, he is now "my" turtle). ewwwwww. if i didn't have the heebies before i definitely have them now! so i run as fast as i can for about 10 seconds just to get away from the massacre that's about to take place. disgusting. but glad at least one turtle was saved from such a brutality. gold star.

target fun

so i have to confess, i've been a bit of a slacker the last few days. i've felt crappy from a sinus infection and it was really all i could do to leave the house yesterday to run a few errands. so please forgive me. i have not given up on my acts of kindness, but i did miss a few days from being sick. but i did have fun today at target...well, to be honest, i always have fun at target. it's like my mini disneyworld that is just a few minutes from my house. i mean, seriously, everything you need in one store? who doesn't love that? so, i decided that this might actually be something that could sort of involve my children without sending me over the edge.

when i was clipping coupons this morning i decided, "you know, it might be nice to clip some of the coupons i don't use and tape them to the products at the store. i know i LOVE it when that happens to me, so why not do it for someone else." so most of the coupons i cut were for non-food items like razors, lotions, medicines, etc. (no i am not ashy with hairy legs, i just don't use these particular products). so when we got to the store i let the kids tape the coupon on the product. this, of course, led to fighting but luckily there were enough to go around so it wasn't too chaotic. i have no idea if anyone else appreciates this but me; but i've seen those crazy couponers with their baseball card notebooks full of all the precious savings they find on the internet and in the paper. they would never pay full price for any item no matter how much it is necessary to your life. no coupon for toothpaste? they'll use baking soda. no toilet paper? use paper towels...and pray like mad that it flushes. out of soap? just use shampoo, no one will know the difference. i'm only kidding, well, except for the paper towel thing... sometimes you just forget to buy toilet paper. i can't make too much fun of these folks b/c in the last 6 months i've become a couponer myself. now since i'm only a rookie, i just use the little wallet-size accordian file folder thing. but i'm getting pretty good at it and saving money...which my husband is always a big fan of. but anyway, today's act of kindness was for the crazy couponers! and yes, it is impolite to sigh and foot tap when these people check out. just b/c you didn't plan ahead and clip 20 coupons to save $8 dollars does not mean you need to be nasty.

fun with strangers

so, i'm sorry i haven't posted in a while but it seems that i'm not so much a multi-tasker. not really a news flash to me, but some of you may not have known that about me. but rest assured, i am still doing my little acts of kindness. last week, i did a lot of note writing. i found that after spending a small fortune at the grocery store on the sandwich debacle, i may need to find a way to love my neighbor without putting my family in the poor house. so i've been writing notes. really just notes to friends and family. i think i like it b/c i'm not very good at affirming people verbally. i'm much better on paper (or a cute notecard from anthropologie...their home section makes me happy). i'm sort of a thoughtless person when it comes to that. it's not that i don't think nice things about people; it just doesn't really dawn on me to tell them. i wish i were better at it b/c who doesn't love a word of encouragement every now and then. for example, i know it would make my day if someone told me, "you can't even see your muffin top in that shirt!" well, maybe not. anyway, so i've written some notes for some people in my life; just telling them how they've encouraged me in my journey.

but i have to say, my favorite acts have been to strangers. i think it's b/c i'm a person that loves to be surprised. so, instead of being the surprisee, i got to be the surpriser. if you have not done this, it's really fun. i went and got ice cream last weekend by myself and a mother and son walked in. immediately, i got nervous. i knew i wanted to buy their ice cream but i was getting kind of embarrassed about asking if i could. and for those of you who don't know, i flush very easily so it's not hard to tell when i'm nervous. so as the mom was getting out her wallet to pay i just asked if it would be ok if i bought their ice cream. she, then, proceeded to look at me like i was definitely from outer space. she was quite baffled at why i would want to do that. i told her i just really wanted to. so she let me and was very gracious about it, as was her son. then she told me, "i guess people are right about the south, they are nice here". then she told me her family had just moved from wisconsin. and i thought, well God, you just always seem to know what you're doing don't you? it always amazes me how God knows exactly what we need when we need it. another fun thing was buying coffe for the person behind me in the drive thru at starbucks. someone did it for me not long ago and it totally made my day! why are we so surprised when people are nice? i know i am. when someone i don't know does something nice for me, i'm always shocked, like truly shocked. this is not how it should be friends. it's so easy for me to get caught up in my bubble and not notice the people around me. and i can get the attitude of "i take care of my business, you should take care of yours". i'm pretty sure this is not a "love thy neighbor" attitude. so, friends, i encourage you to be a good neighbor and shock someone today!

sandwiches

well, this week kicked off my 40 acts of kindness in 40 days. i've been grateful that when i've asked God what he wants me to do He has answered. and with the nashville flood, i should be able to find plenty to do! so this week i've watched my neighbors' kids b/c she had to take one of hers to the emergency room, wrote a letter thanking one of my childhood doctors who took very good care of me when i was quite sick, got clothes together for a family that lost their home in the flood and i made sandwiches. yes, sandwiches.

considering all that's gone on in nashville, i wanted my 1st act of kindness to be for some people who lost their homes in the flood. so i got my kids together and told them that we were going to take lunch to one of the red cross shelters in the franklin area. we head to the grocery to get all the things we'll need to make sandwiches, bags of chips and bottled water. at this point i'm feeling a bit proud of myself thinking, "look at me, mother of the year, teaching her children to help those in need. gold star." well, that attitude quickly dissipates when i'm snapping at my kids to "quit putting your hands all over the deli meat! only one piece of cheese on the sandwiches! no you can't eat the cheese! quit licking your fingers!" and on, and on, and on. obviously, i had to cash in my gold star. letting my kids help me was completely stressing me out! i was being the complete opposite of kind. so after much handwashing and apologies to my children we had made 40+ sandwiches to take to the shelter.

i had called the red cross that morning to get a better idea of what i should bring and where i should bring it. but after the fifth time on hold and someone directing me to an answering machine, i hung up and decided i would just bring what i wanted and that would just have to be ok.

around 11:15 i get my kids and the food loaded in the car and we're off. i first need to mention that i had originally thought i would take the food to our local fire station so they could deliver it to the best possible location. incorrect assumption. yeah, they don't really do that. thanks, snotty brentwood, for really lending a helping hand. so i ask where the closest shelter is and they direct me to franklin.

get kids back in the car and head south. we show up at the church/shelter and figure out where to park and go in. i give my 3 yr old daughter a bag of sandwiches to carry b/c this makes her feel like she's important and helpful. i go to the red cross desk and tell them "hi, i've made some lunches for the people staying here. i was wondering where i need to put them?" i am met with this:"we only accept certain food here. we can't take your sandwiches." and this is where i wanted to melt into a teeny, tiny puddle and disappear. my pitiful looking daughter and her sad bag of sandwiches would have felt the same way, except she's not old enough to understand what complete humiliation looks like. hallelujah. she then went on to tell me:"we only have 2 people here so, we really don't need that much food anyway." insert here: THINGS I WISH I HAD KNOWN BEFORE I MADE 40+ SANDWICHES! another item on this list, YOU DON'T ACCEPT SANDWICHES! i really almost started crying at this point. this little good deed that had me so puffed up with pride had taken me all morning. it had caused me extreme stress. it had made me bite my kids' heads off and later apologize. and you're telling me you're not going to accept any of my friggin kindness! and then, what i can only assume was an angel of the Lord came in and said:"you know, i'm going back to our local office and would be happy to take your food. they distribute it where it needs to go." insert here: beam of sunlight shining down on sweet woman. i'm so thankful for this sweet woman who seemed to understand that i was completely deflated with my 3 kids standing by watching. she graciously brought her car around and we put the food in the back of her car. and yes, 3 yr old daughter proudly handed her the bag of sandwiches she had helped mom make.

when we got in the car to drive home, i found myself crying. not sobbing, but weepy crying. you know, the pitiful kind. feeling sorry for myself b/c my act of kindness went seemingly unappreciated. i was sad. my grand gesture was a flop. when i look back on this moment in the car, i realize what i should have been sad about was not the fact that my sandwiches went unappreciated; i should be sad about the fact that i completely missed the point of this whole experiment. instead of doing something gracious for someone else, i had made this act about me. i had made it ugly b/c i really wanted credit for my time spent making something for someone in need. i thought i was some kind of big deal for doing something nice. well, "bless my heart"! (southern speak for "you're an idiot!") i'm so grateful that i serve a God that teaches humility. well, at that moment in the car i wasn't, but looking back i'm glad he did. if he had not humbled me, i would have gone on being pretty proud of myself for being such a good samaritan, giving no credit to God for what he did through me. is anyone else having deja vu....does the half marathon ring any bells? how quickly i forget. it's not about me. doing good for others is not about me...it's about being the hands and feet of Jesus. i should be doing things not so i can think i'm pretty great but to let others know that He's pretty great.

the next day during my devotion i came across a verse that put me in my place. it says: "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work in us, to him be the glory..." eph. 3:20-21. i wanted the glory for 40 sandwiches. seriously? this verse just told me that if i let him use his power through me....well, i wouldn't be bragging about no stinkin' sandwiches, b/c he would be doing much much more through me. i think the difference is that during this act, my heart wasn't in what my hands were doing. i think when your heart is in what your hands and feet are doing, that's when the selflessness comes. that's when God makes stuff happen. so, i resolve to do better. not b/c i can, but b/c i believe jesus can. "He must become greater, i must become less."

40 day experiment

40 days. lots can happen in 40 days. moses was up on a mountain with God for 40 days. noah was in an ark in the midst of a flood for 40 days (after the weekend we had in nashville, i have no idea how he survived that! maybe that's where the term "cabin fever" came about..hmmm....) jesus lived in the wilderness and fasted for 40 days. you get the idea. so for whatever reason, i feel like God is leading me in a particular path of obedience; one that will require specific action on my part. and if you know me at all, you know i'm not really a "take action" kinda girl. i'm perfectly happy to stay in my comfort zone...until recently. lately, i've been feeling like God wants me to step out in faith. i feel like there are some things He wants to teach me but i have to be willing to obey and trust that He's in control.

so here's the idea, 40 acts of kindness in 40 days. for the next 40 days, i will be performing an act of kindness every day. not necessarily grand gestures, but acts that are atypical for me. and let me be clear, this is not an attempt to build my ego or make others think i'm such a good christian...quite the opposite. i've realized that i tend to obey God's command to "love thy neighbor" when it is convenient for me and really only if it's someone i know. lame, i know. i have a million excuses for why i can't serve i.e. i have 3 kids, i have a schedule, i have too many errands, etc. all of these things may be true, but God didn't really say in his word "love thy neighbor when you get a minute and aren't busy and you're well-rested and all caught up on your laundry". i think if i turn my focus off my own life and onto being available for God's using, i might just learn a little something. like i said before, i'm not looking for daily grand gestures. i'm looking for something that takes my focus off myself.

i'm not sure how this will look on the blog. i don't know if i'll post every day or every couple of days. all i know is, God's going to show up. i don't know how or when, but i know if i show up, so will he (kinda sounds like laundry... i know if i ever want to do it, there are dirty clothes to wash. wait, did i just compare God to dirty laundry? still in need of grace, friends. i don't think he takes personal offense though....he knows i want him to show up; not so much the dirty laundry).

i actually started the 40 day experiment today. i will post about it later but i hope it gets better b/c today was rough. but tomorrow is a new day and i'm hopeful.

DONE!!!!!!!

just to preface, this is a long one....

lord help me, i actually did it. i finished the half marathon. i wish i could say it was a mountain top experience at the end, but unfortunately, i was just ready to be done! i have never been that physically exhausted in my whole life. i don't know that i've ever been happier to be finished with something. so let's recap....

the night before the race i didn't sleep great i.e. i woke up every couple of hours hoping i hadn't missed my alarm. now, whenever i am anxious about something this is pretty normal behavior so i half expected it. when i did get up at 5:00 in the a.m., i was excited. very race ready. so, i got ready, had a little breakfast, had a little time with jesus, stretched, then got in the car to drive to my brother's. i don't think i've mentioned before that i've been training with my sister-in-law this whole time so we were going to have my brother drop us off. everything went off without a hitch and we got to our corral in plenty of time. talking. stretching. more talking. stretching. national anthem. here we go...

and we're off! keeping pace but trying to weave in front of people that have decided to walk at the beginning of the race...annoying. why the heck are they in an early corral if they're going to walk in the beginning? oh wait, they're probably the ones that passed me when i was doggin it at mile 11. anyway. the first 3 miles are quite hilly but i was doing ok. then moving into the 4th mile, katherine (sister-in-law) and i got separated. she was several steps ahead of me then people started filling in the gap and eventually i couldn't see her anymore. bummer. i always told her if she needed to go on, i understood and please don't hang back just for me. we both needed to go at our own paces, but unfortunately they were not the same paces. so i'm going, i'm going...mile 6. yay! my husband, kids, and family are there cheering!!! love those sweet faces! glad i was off before they turned into sad faces b/c they didn't quite understand why mom kept on going. ok, got my energy boost. i can do this. i can do this. kind of sick of my music by now but still doing good. mile 8. ok, only 5 more miles. wish i would see somebody i know so we could start up a small chat to get my mind off the next hour of running. no such luck. mile 10. yes! getting closer...only like 30 minutes left. i could do 30 minutes in my sleep! mile 11. wrong. so very very wrong. i think i'm dying. a slow death, but still death nonetheless. oh jesus, this would be a great time for you to have your second coming. just sayin. so, since rapture didn't take place at that moment i started praying. power of the holy spirit, you are going to have to do this for me b/c i can't do it myself. ok holy spirit, any time you want to show up that would be great. yo, are you listening to me? i'm freakin' about to cut my legs off b/c you've decided to take a break! so i start walking a bit b/c i think this will help. wrong again. so very very wrong. this makes it so much worse i can't even describe! it's like my legs start walking and think"oh sweet! the torture is over!" then i start running and they say "oh no you di'int. we are dun." (they said this in their best "memphis" lingo). so the run/walk isn't helping. holy spirit, where are you? i asked you to be my legs for me b/c i can't do this. helloooooo? mile 12. oh dear lord, when if this going to be over? people keep telling me when you see the bridge you're pretty much done. where the H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEYSTICKS IS THE BRIDGE?!!! the only bright spots i can see at this moment are the people on the sidewalks getting medic attention. yes, those were bright spots b/c it reminded me at least i'm doing better than those guys. and just a sidenote, many of them looked way more athletic than me. i know, i'm a depraved and sick human being. saved by grace friends, saved by grace. so the last 2 miles of the race seemed to take me like 45 minutes, i don't think that's true but that's sure what it felt like. and then, the heavens opened up and light from heaven shown down. the bridge. i made it! oh wait, you mean i still gotta go down the bridge, around the corner, down a street, around another corner, and then there's the finish line? bunch of liars, i am not almost done. half a mile seemed like 10 at this point. luckily it wasn't too bad b/c it was downhill. the homestretch. hundreds of people cheering at the finish line. awesome. totally awesome. but all i can think about is crossing the finish line so this will all be over. and then, it was. not in glorious fashion. i wish i could say it was a very spiritual ending to a spiritual journey but it wasn't. it was over. done.

as i've had a little time to reflect about the race i discovered something i never really considered. the whole time i was screaming for the holy spirit to come down and help me finish, i don't think i realized that he was. not in the way i wanted. i wanted him to freakin' give me wings so i didn't have to use my legs anymore. but i finished, didn't i? no, it wasn't easy....it was actually very painful. i think i just figured if i asked God for help, that meant he would make it easy. well, i think my process is a bit naive. when i think about the times when i've needed help from God the most, he didn't necessarily make what i was going through easier. instead, he gave me peace about the situation i was in. do i ask God for help in my marriage? absolutely. does that mean it's easy? not a chance. help in parenting? yes, i need all i can get! is it easy? lordy, no!! so why would i expect differently here? the lord helped me do something i never thought i'd be able to do. he was with me in training and he was with me in the race. although the end of the race didn't quite meet my expectations (i was imagining this slow motion finish with my legs looking ever so graceful crossing the finish line...and of course, a light glistening of sweat on my brow), i realized many times my expectations are not in line with what the lord has planned. i think over-the-top spectacular finish, with energy to spare...he gives me humility and a knowledge that without him, i couldn't have done this at all. i focus on how i look...he focuses on how i'm going to make him look.

if i had finished like i wanted, i would have been glorifying myself and it would have been very easy to leave him out. but b/c i finished the way he wanted me to, i can give all glory to God b/c i NEEDED him to help me finish.

like i said before, i wish i could tell you it was a glorious ending to a very intimate journey for me. but when i think about jesus dying on the cross, it wasn't glorious. it was excruciatingly painful....but he endured. and when he breathed his last, all he said was "it is finished". he was done. it was over. glory came later. 3 days later as a matter of fact. (let's just pause a moment, i just compared running a race to jesus DYING on the cross...that's just plain ridiculous. no, i am not comparing myself to jesus in any way, shape, or form. just trying to get the point across that even in pain, God's still present). sometimes i don't see the greatness til i go through the crap. am i regretting running the race? absolutely not. i just found out that i can do anything through the power of jesus christ! things i never thought possible became possible. things that seemed too great for me. and i'm pretty sure i looked like a sweaty blob with bad form when i finished...but i finished. i got to experience humility by the spirit's power, confidence in myself for finishing what i started and overwhelming love and support from my family all in the same day...amazing. on to the next step of faith. 13.1 is done!

almost there

well, i've been a bit of a slacker in my postings lately so for that i apologize. i guess i also feel like there's only so much more i can say about running. i am pretty pumped that i did my last long run before the race last sunday. and to be honest, it was painful. the last mile, i thought my left calf had been split in half, literally. it was also the first time i ran in the heat of the day for such a long period of time. we ran for close to 2 hrs and if i thought i was a sweaty blob before...well, you ain't seen nothin' yet! wow, i was gross. i'm just hoping that i will be recognizable to my family at the end of the race!

on a sidenote, new things are on the horizon. new steps of faith. new acts of obedience. i'm going to be continuing the blog but, obviously, since the race will be here in a week and a half, i've decided to make it about something different. i won't go into all the details but be on the lookout for new things in may, hopefully.

p.s. the comment about the spandex in the last post was not meant to scare. it will only be spandex bottoms, not full body spandex...i wouldn't want to blind the other runners.

double digits, baby

10 miles. i did it! seriously, can't believe it! and i actually felt good like i could've gone a bit longer if i had too....but i didn't. but it was a great encouragement to know that i could run for 90 minutes and only stop twice for a minute or two.

God is building up my confidence little by little. and isn't that just so like Him? sometimes i think i expect these big miraculous signs or unbelievable circumstances from God, when really, i think He shows himself to me when i take little steps of faith...not necessarily grand leaps. don't get me wrong, i think plenty can be said for leaps of faith, but i think sometimes God just wants the steps. even if they're baby steps. b/c either way, leaps or steps, i am still trusting God to show me what to do. in my 30 years of living, i am just now seeing how trusting God might just be the best way to show him that i love him. for my whole life, i feel like i've always tried to do the right thing; in the eyes of God and others...and sometimes those eyes were of equal importance, sad to say. now, instead of trying to figure out what the "right" thing to do is, i may just trust where God is leading me. instead of asking is it right, i'll ask is it what God wants from me. i think there are lots of things that the world deems the "right thing to do" but it may not necessarily be what God wants me to do. but, at this moment, i think God wants me to train. yes, in running, but also in His Word. i think i need to equip myself better with knowing the character of God so when he does things i don't understand, i can still trust Him b/c i know the kind of guy He is. and making my mind ready with specific examples from his Word would be more helpful to me than anything else. i wish i knew the Bible better so i would know exactly where to go in times of need. so all that to say, i'm working on training the body and the mind.

and on a side note, i think i've decided to wear some sort of spandex on race day...couldn't do the frontal wedgie shorts. far too long a run to be picking at my crotch every other stride. and the pure volume of people that may see the frontal wedgie is just too much to bear; i would be crushed under all the pity smiles and "bless your hearts". and for those of you unfamiliar with the southern "bless your heart", it's a nice way of saying "you're an idiot".

shouldn't this be getting easier?

so my assumption was that once i had gotten used to running, it would get easier. not so, my friends. i still want to cut my legs off in the first 20 minutes. now, if i continue running past 20 minutes it does get better and it doesn't feel like i have grown tree trunks for legs. but i also think i may have shin splints or something b/c they hurt really bad for the first couple of miles. but enough complaining...

so i just had an "oh crap" moment the other day. i realized this race is just a month away. 4 little weeks. fear has begun to creep in. i am definitely getting nervous that i might actually die trying to finish this race. i mean, i've only run 8 miles up to this point. this weekend i think i'll be upping it to 10 miles b/c i'm starting to freak out that i really may not finish the 13.1 miles in 4 wks.

on a positive note, i went running last night and the male runners were much more courteous. so glad they found their manners. or maybe they were pity smiling at me b/c my shorts kept riding up on one side....in the front. real nice. i'm sure they thought, "oh poor girl, she looks like a sweaty blob AND her shorts are giving her a front wedgie. i'll be nice and smile at her." thanks. i'll take whatever i can get!

proper etiquette

so we ran a little over 7 miles today and i didn't want to die!!! yay! no really, it wasn't that bad and i felt pretty good afterwards. i am always amazed when i finished that i actually ran that much. i mean, 3 months ago i was working up to 2 miles. the Lord is continually showing me that by His power i can do things that i don't necessarily feel like i can do.

on another note, every time i run i wonder if i am using proper running etiquette. are you supposed to wave and smile when you pass a fellow runner? do you give them the "stare ahead"? or do you just look down at the ground? i typically wave or give a slight smile and i always get mixed reactions. some people smile back, others pretend they don't see me (which this really kind of hacks me off, i mean, who are you, johnny runsalot, that you can't raise your hand up in a wave or just turn the corners of your mouth up into a smile? is this really so taxing a task?). and i've noticed usually females runners will smile back, but many male runners don't...typically, they pretend they don't see me at all. i understand that i look like a sweaty mess, but really, show some manners. i haven't been part of the running world for very long so maybe it works differently than the outside world where people are at least cordial to one another. i did have a guy give me a fist pump once after i had just run up mt. everest (ok, not really mt. everest, but it seemed awfully steep). and i have to admit, i was a fan of the fist pump. it was like he was telling me "press on, sista!" so, in light of the fist pump, i will press on!

a case of the slivers

so, this past weekend i had a sinus infection so i couldn't do my long run. i can't say that i was sad about it. no, no, sad definitely isn't the word. i have been enjoying running thus far, but the long runs are just that, long. but i did manage to run 4 miles last night and felt really good afterwards. i am loving the warmer weather outside! it's so nice not to bundle up just to take it off later when you start getting sweaty. unfortunately, the rest of the week looks like rain so i may be running on a treadmill. and yes, you can call me a weinie if you want, but i do not like running with rain in my face.

on a side note, i may be the first person in history who does not lose weight when training for a half marathon. i made a pound cake 2 days ago and it's half gone. death by sliver. it gets me every time. i feel like i can eat all day if i just eat a little bit each time. i would never eat 3 pieces of cake in one day...that would be absurd! but 7 slivers in one day, well, for some reason in my brain that doesn't seem as bad. now, my husband has eaten a piece or two but i really can't place the blame on him, as much as i'd like to...i'm pretty sure he only eats desserts to make me feel better anyway. this way i can say i didn't eat the whole thing by myself (him: "what happened to the cake?" me: "we ate it all." him: "i only ate 2 pieces" me: "yeah, i know, WE ate it all. what? why are you giving me that look?") oh well, maybe next time, i'll ask the Holy Spirit to take away my sweet tooth.

it's all in the training

since i don't know where to start, i guess i'll start in the middle since that's where i currently reside. about 3 months ago i started training for a half marathon. if you know me, you know this is quite out of character. i am not really one to just up and do a half marathon. to be honest, i'm not one to really run anywhere...unless, i'm being chased by rabid dogs, of course. so, for me, this is a big deal.

last year, i went on a trip with my best friends from high school and learned something very profound. i learned that i have access to the power of Jesus Christ through his Holy Spirit that lives inside of me. And for the last 10 months, that revelation has changed my life. i have always known this truth but i guess i've never really applied it to my own life. in my life, i tend to be safe. i make safe choices. i give decisions a lot of thought. and this may seem like a fine way to live, except that lately, for me, fine's not good enough anymore. i want more out of this life. i need more out of this life. i think when Jesus told us in his Word that he wanted to give us an abundant life, i don't think he meant "safe" or "fine".

after that trip i started really thinking, "what if i actually believed in the POWER of the Holy Spirit?" what if rather than living in fear, i lived with confidence. what if i actually believed in myself; that i'm capable of doings things that scare me. what if i lived with reckless abandon. what if instead of letting my fear of failure guide my decisions, i let the Holy Spirit dictate what i can and can't do. what if.

so, with this newfound courage and confidence, i decided to run a half marathon. and because i feel like the Spirit led me to this place, i feel i should honor that and document my journey. this way, hopefully, i won't forget what it's like to really live dependent on Christ to get me through. i began this training by only being able to run 1 mile...i am now up to 7 miles. it has become evident to me that in order to reach my goal, training is the key. in the beginning, 13 and 1/2 miles seemed an impossible task to overcome. now, it's a goal within reach. it's all in the training.