sandwiches

well, this week kicked off my 40 acts of kindness in 40 days. i've been grateful that when i've asked God what he wants me to do He has answered. and with the nashville flood, i should be able to find plenty to do! so this week i've watched my neighbors' kids b/c she had to take one of hers to the emergency room, wrote a letter thanking one of my childhood doctors who took very good care of me when i was quite sick, got clothes together for a family that lost their home in the flood and i made sandwiches. yes, sandwiches.

considering all that's gone on in nashville, i wanted my 1st act of kindness to be for some people who lost their homes in the flood. so i got my kids together and told them that we were going to take lunch to one of the red cross shelters in the franklin area. we head to the grocery to get all the things we'll need to make sandwiches, bags of chips and bottled water. at this point i'm feeling a bit proud of myself thinking, "look at me, mother of the year, teaching her children to help those in need. gold star." well, that attitude quickly dissipates when i'm snapping at my kids to "quit putting your hands all over the deli meat! only one piece of cheese on the sandwiches! no you can't eat the cheese! quit licking your fingers!" and on, and on, and on. obviously, i had to cash in my gold star. letting my kids help me was completely stressing me out! i was being the complete opposite of kind. so after much handwashing and apologies to my children we had made 40+ sandwiches to take to the shelter.

i had called the red cross that morning to get a better idea of what i should bring and where i should bring it. but after the fifth time on hold and someone directing me to an answering machine, i hung up and decided i would just bring what i wanted and that would just have to be ok.

around 11:15 i get my kids and the food loaded in the car and we're off. i first need to mention that i had originally thought i would take the food to our local fire station so they could deliver it to the best possible location. incorrect assumption. yeah, they don't really do that. thanks, snotty brentwood, for really lending a helping hand. so i ask where the closest shelter is and they direct me to franklin.

get kids back in the car and head south. we show up at the church/shelter and figure out where to park and go in. i give my 3 yr old daughter a bag of sandwiches to carry b/c this makes her feel like she's important and helpful. i go to the red cross desk and tell them "hi, i've made some lunches for the people staying here. i was wondering where i need to put them?" i am met with this:"we only accept certain food here. we can't take your sandwiches." and this is where i wanted to melt into a teeny, tiny puddle and disappear. my pitiful looking daughter and her sad bag of sandwiches would have felt the same way, except she's not old enough to understand what complete humiliation looks like. hallelujah. she then went on to tell me:"we only have 2 people here so, we really don't need that much food anyway." insert here: THINGS I WISH I HAD KNOWN BEFORE I MADE 40+ SANDWICHES! another item on this list, YOU DON'T ACCEPT SANDWICHES! i really almost started crying at this point. this little good deed that had me so puffed up with pride had taken me all morning. it had caused me extreme stress. it had made me bite my kids' heads off and later apologize. and you're telling me you're not going to accept any of my friggin kindness! and then, what i can only assume was an angel of the Lord came in and said:"you know, i'm going back to our local office and would be happy to take your food. they distribute it where it needs to go." insert here: beam of sunlight shining down on sweet woman. i'm so thankful for this sweet woman who seemed to understand that i was completely deflated with my 3 kids standing by watching. she graciously brought her car around and we put the food in the back of her car. and yes, 3 yr old daughter proudly handed her the bag of sandwiches she had helped mom make.

when we got in the car to drive home, i found myself crying. not sobbing, but weepy crying. you know, the pitiful kind. feeling sorry for myself b/c my act of kindness went seemingly unappreciated. i was sad. my grand gesture was a flop. when i look back on this moment in the car, i realize what i should have been sad about was not the fact that my sandwiches went unappreciated; i should be sad about the fact that i completely missed the point of this whole experiment. instead of doing something gracious for someone else, i had made this act about me. i had made it ugly b/c i really wanted credit for my time spent making something for someone in need. i thought i was some kind of big deal for doing something nice. well, "bless my heart"! (southern speak for "you're an idiot!") i'm so grateful that i serve a God that teaches humility. well, at that moment in the car i wasn't, but looking back i'm glad he did. if he had not humbled me, i would have gone on being pretty proud of myself for being such a good samaritan, giving no credit to God for what he did through me. is anyone else having deja vu....does the half marathon ring any bells? how quickly i forget. it's not about me. doing good for others is not about me...it's about being the hands and feet of Jesus. i should be doing things not so i can think i'm pretty great but to let others know that He's pretty great.

the next day during my devotion i came across a verse that put me in my place. it says: "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work in us, to him be the glory..." eph. 3:20-21. i wanted the glory for 40 sandwiches. seriously? this verse just told me that if i let him use his power through me....well, i wouldn't be bragging about no stinkin' sandwiches, b/c he would be doing much much more through me. i think the difference is that during this act, my heart wasn't in what my hands were doing. i think when your heart is in what your hands and feet are doing, that's when the selflessness comes. that's when God makes stuff happen. so, i resolve to do better. not b/c i can, but b/c i believe jesus can. "He must become greater, i must become less."