last day

so today was day 40. the last day of the experiment. when i woke up this morning i prayed that God would show me what he wanted me to do today. i always get a bit nervous about that b/c you never know what God's going to lead you in to. but as i was driving something dawned on me. the road i take almost every day to run errands was badly damaged by the flood. after the flood, i think it was closed for about 3 weeks b/c there were huge mudslides on several different parts of the road. and once it reopened, there was still much work to be done. i have seen the same workers out there every day in the blazing hot sun working to cover the hill areas with rock, almost like a retaining wall. moving rock all day in 90-100 degree heat? no thanks. but i'm so grateful they do b/c i literally use this road every day. so i thought what does anyone want on a hot summer day? sonic drinks!! so the kids and i get to sonic just 9 pitiful minutes after happy hour's over. bummer. oh well. so i get some cherry limeades and we're off. so i'm kinda excited thinking about giving these guys a little surprise treat! so i'm getting closer to where the construction is going on and there are no moving backhoes or excavators or anything...yes, i do know sort of what these things are b/c i have boys. oh crap. they're gone. what the heck am i supposed to do with these drinks? one of which has spilled a bit into my console...that won't be sticky. no worries, the stickiness will compliment the goldfish crumbs and mashed in raisins nicely. i was a little bummed that the workers weren't there so i may have to do that another day this week. i'm sure they're job is not one that is appreciated often so it would be nice to give them some sonic love! anyway, i ended up taking the drinks to my husband's work where they were enjoyed thoroughly. i did tell my husband they were not supposed to be the original receivers of this kindness but he didn't seem to mind. so the act of kindness didn't go as planned but at least someone was able to benefit.

so what i've realized in the last 40 days is that 40 days is a long time! how did jesus fast in the wilderness for 40 days? noah was stuck on a boat for 40 days....in the rain. how did these people do it? i had to do 1 little thing a day that many times depended on my circumstances. these people lived in complete chaos for 40 days. you know that boat smelled rancid after day 1! and jesus had to physically starve in the wilderness while satan tempted him. seriously? a piece of cake looks at me and i'm done. i'm very glad to have done this little experiment to honor something that i feel God wanted me to do, but i also enjoyed getting out of my head for a bit. i get so caught up in my own circumstances and life that i rarely take time to look around. it's easy for me to become very self-involved/child-involved. if i get too self-involved, i begin focusing on the things i don't think are right in my life or things i don't like about myself. this make me a much less grateful person. this makes me an uglier person on the inside. when i become too child-involved, i lose myself and my identity. i go into mom mode and forget who i am as a person. i become too focused on this one facet of my life. yes, it is a large facet, but it is still only part of who i am. if i get too into this mode i start thinking,"what am i going to do when they're gone? what if i don't know how to do anything else? i don't know what my passions are, so what am i going to do with myself when there are no kids to take care of?" this is the most frightening place, my friends. to think i have put all my eggs in this basket and one day, those eggs will hatch and the chicks will leave. now all i'm left with is an empty basket. depressing, i know. but when i am others-focused, this is when i am most confident. i have less time to think about my "problems" and more time to think about doing something for someone else. this is an awesome feeling. and let me clarify, the "problems" i'm talking about are silly superficial things like, "man, i wish my house were cuter i.e. clean. man, i wish i had cuter clothes i.e. less back fat to fill my clothes. man, i wish my kids would just listen to me and obey i.e. exactly what i just said, OBEY PLEASE!" these things are minor things that can become major things if i let them. so although i won't be diligently doing intentional acts of kindness daily, i hope to continue it by making an effort to think of others more. i hope to continue blogging but i'm not sure about what. i may try another 40 day experiment but i need to give some thought and prayer to what it should be. if you have any suggestions i'd welcome them...you know, from the 4 people that read this blog. thanks friends!