last day

so today was day 40. the last day of the experiment. when i woke up this morning i prayed that God would show me what he wanted me to do today. i always get a bit nervous about that b/c you never know what God's going to lead you in to. but as i was driving something dawned on me. the road i take almost every day to run errands was badly damaged by the flood. after the flood, i think it was closed for about 3 weeks b/c there were huge mudslides on several different parts of the road. and once it reopened, there was still much work to be done. i have seen the same workers out there every day in the blazing hot sun working to cover the hill areas with rock, almost like a retaining wall. moving rock all day in 90-100 degree heat? no thanks. but i'm so grateful they do b/c i literally use this road every day. so i thought what does anyone want on a hot summer day? sonic drinks!! so the kids and i get to sonic just 9 pitiful minutes after happy hour's over. bummer. oh well. so i get some cherry limeades and we're off. so i'm kinda excited thinking about giving these guys a little surprise treat! so i'm getting closer to where the construction is going on and there are no moving backhoes or excavators or anything...yes, i do know sort of what these things are b/c i have boys. oh crap. they're gone. what the heck am i supposed to do with these drinks? one of which has spilled a bit into my console...that won't be sticky. no worries, the stickiness will compliment the goldfish crumbs and mashed in raisins nicely. i was a little bummed that the workers weren't there so i may have to do that another day this week. i'm sure they're job is not one that is appreciated often so it would be nice to give them some sonic love! anyway, i ended up taking the drinks to my husband's work where they were enjoyed thoroughly. i did tell my husband they were not supposed to be the original receivers of this kindness but he didn't seem to mind. so the act of kindness didn't go as planned but at least someone was able to benefit.

so what i've realized in the last 40 days is that 40 days is a long time! how did jesus fast in the wilderness for 40 days? noah was stuck on a boat for 40 days....in the rain. how did these people do it? i had to do 1 little thing a day that many times depended on my circumstances. these people lived in complete chaos for 40 days. you know that boat smelled rancid after day 1! and jesus had to physically starve in the wilderness while satan tempted him. seriously? a piece of cake looks at me and i'm done. i'm very glad to have done this little experiment to honor something that i feel God wanted me to do, but i also enjoyed getting out of my head for a bit. i get so caught up in my own circumstances and life that i rarely take time to look around. it's easy for me to become very self-involved/child-involved. if i get too self-involved, i begin focusing on the things i don't think are right in my life or things i don't like about myself. this make me a much less grateful person. this makes me an uglier person on the inside. when i become too child-involved, i lose myself and my identity. i go into mom mode and forget who i am as a person. i become too focused on this one facet of my life. yes, it is a large facet, but it is still only part of who i am. if i get too into this mode i start thinking,"what am i going to do when they're gone? what if i don't know how to do anything else? i don't know what my passions are, so what am i going to do with myself when there are no kids to take care of?" this is the most frightening place, my friends. to think i have put all my eggs in this basket and one day, those eggs will hatch and the chicks will leave. now all i'm left with is an empty basket. depressing, i know. but when i am others-focused, this is when i am most confident. i have less time to think about my "problems" and more time to think about doing something for someone else. this is an awesome feeling. and let me clarify, the "problems" i'm talking about are silly superficial things like, "man, i wish my house were cuter i.e. clean. man, i wish i had cuter clothes i.e. less back fat to fill my clothes. man, i wish my kids would just listen to me and obey i.e. exactly what i just said, OBEY PLEASE!" these things are minor things that can become major things if i let them. so although i won't be diligently doing intentional acts of kindness daily, i hope to continue it by making an effort to think of others more. i hope to continue blogging but i'm not sure about what. i may try another 40 day experiment but i need to give some thought and prayer to what it should be. if you have any suggestions i'd welcome them...you know, from the 4 people that read this blog. thanks friends!

so i feel bad for not writing in a while but honestly i haven't really felt like i've had anything worth writing about. i've still been doing my kindnesses every day and i have to admit, sometimes i love it and sometimes i don't. sometimes i feel like i have a lot going on with my kids being home for the summer so i don't always want to focus outward. so this experiment has definitely been challenging me to see beyond my schedule for the day and realize blessing someone else's life might actually make my day better in the process (how unselfishly selfish of me). this last statement reminds of the friends episode where joey challenges phoebe to find a selfless good deed b/c every time you do something nice it, usually, makes you feel good too. and joey thought that was selfish b/c you were only doing nice things to make yourself feel good. which, to be honest, is a little bit true. it does make me feel good to do nice things for others. where i get tripped up is when i think these good things are all about making me look or feel a certain way. that's when the devil dangles pride right in front of my face. and pride is an ugly little thing, isn't it? it makes us so puffed up and fools us into thinking we're really good people. when the truth is, we have no good in us except for the good jesus put there. i'm reminded daily of how little good i have in me when i catch myself yelling at my kids, or gossiping, or being short with my husband. these are things that remind me of how much i need jesus' grace b/c he knows i don't deserve it. but i'll take it every day of the week!

so i did a little baking this week b/c who doesn't looove receiving baked goods? so i thought i'd make some peanut butter cookies for some of the men we had working at our house this week. they didn't speak english but they seemed grateful...and confused. they were probably thinking, "this girl just gave us peanut butter cookies with nothing to drink and it's 90 degrees outside! she must be muy loco!" in my defense, i'm pretty sure they had water bottles. i also baked some bread for my neighbor who's having her kitchen renovated. i know how much i would hate to be out of a kitchen and thought she and her husband might enjoy something homemade. when i took it to her she showed me her kitchen and it made me want to cry. there was literally nothing in it besides the floor and the walls. no appliance, no cabinets, no sink, no counters, nothing. she said it's been that way for 6 weeks. and seeing that i would love to redo my kitchen one day, this completely freaks me out! i mean, no kitchen. with 3 kids. come to think of it....my kids would LOVE this!!! they could eat out every night and not have to eat their designated 3 bites for dinner. chicken nuggets, cheese quesadillas, and fish sticks every night, YES! sad, b/c i'm an ok cook. i'm definitely not horrible, my roast could use some work but really i can follow a recipe so my meals usually come out ok. but when your kids don't eat grilled anything, green veggies, casseroles or things with a chicken texture...options are limited. well, i've gotten a bit off task now haven't i? sorry. anyway, i think i may need to invite these neighbors over for dinner sometime soon. and i also think it's about time i get to know some more of my neighbors. we know a few but you never know when you'll need a cup of sugar! til next time...