just to preface, this is a long one....
the night before the race i didn't sleep great i.e. i woke up every couple of hours hoping i hadn't missed my alarm. now, whenever i am anxious about something this is pretty normal behavior so i half expected it. when i did get up at 5:00 in the a.m., i was excited. very race ready. so, i got ready, had a little breakfast, had a little time with jesus, stretched, then got in the car to drive to my brother's. i don't think i've mentioned before that i've been training with my sister-in-law this whole time so we were going to have my brother drop us off. everything went off without a hitch and we got to our corral in plenty of time. talking. stretching. more talking. stretching. national anthem. here we go...
and we're off! keeping pace but trying to weave in front of people that have decided to walk at the beginning of the race...annoying. why the heck are they in an early corral if they're going to walk in the beginning? oh wait, they're probably the ones that passed me when i was doggin it at mile 11. anyway. the first 3 miles are quite hilly but i was doing ok. then moving into the 4th mile, katherine (sister-in-law) and i got separated. she was several steps ahead of me then people started filling in the gap and eventually i couldn't see her anymore. bummer. i always told her if she needed to go on, i understood and please don't hang back just for me. we both needed to go at our own paces, but unfortunately they were not the same paces. so i'm going, i'm going...mile 6. yay! my husband, kids, and family are there cheering!!! love those sweet faces! glad i was off before they turned into sad faces b/c they didn't quite understand why mom kept on going. ok, got my energy boost. i can do this. i can do this. kind of sick of my music by now but still doing good. mile 8. ok, only 5 more miles. wish i would see somebody i know so we could start up a small chat to get my mind off the next hour of running. no such luck. mile 10. yes! getting closer...only like 30 minutes left. i could do 30 minutes in my sleep! mile 11. wrong. so very very wrong. i think i'm dying. a slow death, but still death nonetheless. oh jesus, this would be a great time for you to have your second coming. just sayin. so, since rapture didn't take place at that moment i started praying. power of the holy spirit, you are going to have to do this for me b/c i can't do it myself. ok holy spirit, any time you want to show up that would be great. yo, are you listening to me? i'm freakin' about to cut my legs off b/c you've decided to take a break! so i start walking a bit b/c i think this will help. wrong again. so very very wrong. this makes it so much worse i can't even describe! it's like my legs start walking and think"oh sweet! the torture is over!" then i start running and they say "oh no you di'int. we are dun." (they said this in their best "memphis" lingo). so the run/walk isn't helping. holy spirit, where are you? i asked you to be my legs for me b/c i can't do this. helloooooo? mile 12. oh dear lord, when if this going to be over? people keep telling me when you see the bridge you're pretty much done. where the H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEYSTICKS IS THE BRIDGE?!!! the only bright spots i can see at this moment are the people on the sidewalks getting medic attention. yes, those were bright spots b/c it reminded me at least i'm doing better than those guys. and just a sidenote, many of them looked way more athletic than me. i know, i'm a depraved and sick human being. saved by grace friends, saved by grace. so the last 2 miles of the race seemed to take me like 45 minutes, i don't think that's true but that's sure what it felt like. and then, the heavens opened up and light from heaven shown down. the bridge. i made it! oh wait, you mean i still gotta go down the bridge, around the corner, down a street, around another corner, and then there's the finish line? bunch of liars, i am not almost done. half a mile seemed like 10 at this point. luckily it wasn't too bad b/c it was downhill. the homestretch. hundreds of people cheering at the finish line. awesome. totally awesome. but all i can think about is crossing the finish line so this will all be over. and then, it was. not in glorious fashion. i wish i could say it was a very spiritual ending to a spiritual journey but it wasn't. it was over. done.
as i've had a little time to reflect about the race i discovered something i never really considered. the whole time i was screaming for the holy spirit to come down and help me finish, i don't think i realized that he was. not in the way i wanted. i wanted him to freakin' give me wings so i didn't have to use my legs anymore. but i finished, didn't i? no, it wasn't easy....it was actually very painful. i think i just figured if i asked God for help, that meant he would make it easy. well, i think my process is a bit naive. when i think about the times when i've needed help from God the most, he didn't necessarily make what i was going through easier. instead, he gave me peace about the situation i was in. do i ask God for help in my marriage? absolutely. does that mean it's easy? not a chance. help in parenting? yes, i need all i can get! is it easy? lordy, no!! so why would i expect differently here? the lord helped me do something i never thought i'd be able to do. he was with me in training and he was with me in the race. although the end of the race didn't quite meet my expectations (i was imagining this slow motion finish with my legs looking ever so graceful crossing the finish line...and of course, a light glistening of sweat on my brow), i realized many times my expectations are not in line with what the lord has planned. i think over-the-top spectacular finish, with energy to spare...he gives me humility and a knowledge that without him, i couldn't have done this at all. i focus on how i look...he focuses on how i'm going to make him look.
if i had finished like i wanted, i would have been glorifying myself and it would have been very easy to leave him out. but b/c i finished the way he wanted me to, i can give all glory to God b/c i NEEDED him to help me finish.
like i said before, i wish i could tell you it was a glorious ending to a very intimate journey for me. but when i think about jesus dying on the cross, it wasn't glorious. it was excruciatingly painful....but he endured. and when he breathed his last, all he said was "it is finished". he was done. it was over. glory came later. 3 days later as a matter of fact. (let's just pause a moment, i just compared running a race to jesus DYING on the cross...that's just plain ridiculous. no, i am not comparing myself to jesus in any way, shape, or form. just trying to get the point across that even in pain, God's still present). sometimes i don't see the greatness til i go through the crap. am i regretting running the race? absolutely not. i just found out that i can do anything through the power of jesus christ! things i never thought possible became possible. things that seemed too great for me. and i'm pretty sure i looked like a sweaty blob with bad form when i finished...but i finished. i got to experience humility by the spirit's power, confidence in myself for finishing what i started and overwhelming love and support from my family all in the same day...amazing. on to the next step of faith. 13.1 is done!
