40 day experiment

40 days. lots can happen in 40 days. moses was up on a mountain with God for 40 days. noah was in an ark in the midst of a flood for 40 days (after the weekend we had in nashville, i have no idea how he survived that! maybe that's where the term "cabin fever" came about..hmmm....) jesus lived in the wilderness and fasted for 40 days. you get the idea. so for whatever reason, i feel like God is leading me in a particular path of obedience; one that will require specific action on my part. and if you know me at all, you know i'm not really a "take action" kinda girl. i'm perfectly happy to stay in my comfort zone...until recently. lately, i've been feeling like God wants me to step out in faith. i feel like there are some things He wants to teach me but i have to be willing to obey and trust that He's in control.

so here's the idea, 40 acts of kindness in 40 days. for the next 40 days, i will be performing an act of kindness every day. not necessarily grand gestures, but acts that are atypical for me. and let me be clear, this is not an attempt to build my ego or make others think i'm such a good christian...quite the opposite. i've realized that i tend to obey God's command to "love thy neighbor" when it is convenient for me and really only if it's someone i know. lame, i know. i have a million excuses for why i can't serve i.e. i have 3 kids, i have a schedule, i have too many errands, etc. all of these things may be true, but God didn't really say in his word "love thy neighbor when you get a minute and aren't busy and you're well-rested and all caught up on your laundry". i think if i turn my focus off my own life and onto being available for God's using, i might just learn a little something. like i said before, i'm not looking for daily grand gestures. i'm looking for something that takes my focus off myself.

i'm not sure how this will look on the blog. i don't know if i'll post every day or every couple of days. all i know is, God's going to show up. i don't know how or when, but i know if i show up, so will he (kinda sounds like laundry... i know if i ever want to do it, there are dirty clothes to wash. wait, did i just compare God to dirty laundry? still in need of grace, friends. i don't think he takes personal offense though....he knows i want him to show up; not so much the dirty laundry).

i actually started the 40 day experiment today. i will post about it later but i hope it gets better b/c today was rough. but tomorrow is a new day and i'm hopeful.

DONE!!!!!!!

just to preface, this is a long one....

lord help me, i actually did it. i finished the half marathon. i wish i could say it was a mountain top experience at the end, but unfortunately, i was just ready to be done! i have never been that physically exhausted in my whole life. i don't know that i've ever been happier to be finished with something. so let's recap....

the night before the race i didn't sleep great i.e. i woke up every couple of hours hoping i hadn't missed my alarm. now, whenever i am anxious about something this is pretty normal behavior so i half expected it. when i did get up at 5:00 in the a.m., i was excited. very race ready. so, i got ready, had a little breakfast, had a little time with jesus, stretched, then got in the car to drive to my brother's. i don't think i've mentioned before that i've been training with my sister-in-law this whole time so we were going to have my brother drop us off. everything went off without a hitch and we got to our corral in plenty of time. talking. stretching. more talking. stretching. national anthem. here we go...

and we're off! keeping pace but trying to weave in front of people that have decided to walk at the beginning of the race...annoying. why the heck are they in an early corral if they're going to walk in the beginning? oh wait, they're probably the ones that passed me when i was doggin it at mile 11. anyway. the first 3 miles are quite hilly but i was doing ok. then moving into the 4th mile, katherine (sister-in-law) and i got separated. she was several steps ahead of me then people started filling in the gap and eventually i couldn't see her anymore. bummer. i always told her if she needed to go on, i understood and please don't hang back just for me. we both needed to go at our own paces, but unfortunately they were not the same paces. so i'm going, i'm going...mile 6. yay! my husband, kids, and family are there cheering!!! love those sweet faces! glad i was off before they turned into sad faces b/c they didn't quite understand why mom kept on going. ok, got my energy boost. i can do this. i can do this. kind of sick of my music by now but still doing good. mile 8. ok, only 5 more miles. wish i would see somebody i know so we could start up a small chat to get my mind off the next hour of running. no such luck. mile 10. yes! getting closer...only like 30 minutes left. i could do 30 minutes in my sleep! mile 11. wrong. so very very wrong. i think i'm dying. a slow death, but still death nonetheless. oh jesus, this would be a great time for you to have your second coming. just sayin. so, since rapture didn't take place at that moment i started praying. power of the holy spirit, you are going to have to do this for me b/c i can't do it myself. ok holy spirit, any time you want to show up that would be great. yo, are you listening to me? i'm freakin' about to cut my legs off b/c you've decided to take a break! so i start walking a bit b/c i think this will help. wrong again. so very very wrong. this makes it so much worse i can't even describe! it's like my legs start walking and think"oh sweet! the torture is over!" then i start running and they say "oh no you di'int. we are dun." (they said this in their best "memphis" lingo). so the run/walk isn't helping. holy spirit, where are you? i asked you to be my legs for me b/c i can't do this. helloooooo? mile 12. oh dear lord, when if this going to be over? people keep telling me when you see the bridge you're pretty much done. where the H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEYSTICKS IS THE BRIDGE?!!! the only bright spots i can see at this moment are the people on the sidewalks getting medic attention. yes, those were bright spots b/c it reminded me at least i'm doing better than those guys. and just a sidenote, many of them looked way more athletic than me. i know, i'm a depraved and sick human being. saved by grace friends, saved by grace. so the last 2 miles of the race seemed to take me like 45 minutes, i don't think that's true but that's sure what it felt like. and then, the heavens opened up and light from heaven shown down. the bridge. i made it! oh wait, you mean i still gotta go down the bridge, around the corner, down a street, around another corner, and then there's the finish line? bunch of liars, i am not almost done. half a mile seemed like 10 at this point. luckily it wasn't too bad b/c it was downhill. the homestretch. hundreds of people cheering at the finish line. awesome. totally awesome. but all i can think about is crossing the finish line so this will all be over. and then, it was. not in glorious fashion. i wish i could say it was a very spiritual ending to a spiritual journey but it wasn't. it was over. done.

as i've had a little time to reflect about the race i discovered something i never really considered. the whole time i was screaming for the holy spirit to come down and help me finish, i don't think i realized that he was. not in the way i wanted. i wanted him to freakin' give me wings so i didn't have to use my legs anymore. but i finished, didn't i? no, it wasn't easy....it was actually very painful. i think i just figured if i asked God for help, that meant he would make it easy. well, i think my process is a bit naive. when i think about the times when i've needed help from God the most, he didn't necessarily make what i was going through easier. instead, he gave me peace about the situation i was in. do i ask God for help in my marriage? absolutely. does that mean it's easy? not a chance. help in parenting? yes, i need all i can get! is it easy? lordy, no!! so why would i expect differently here? the lord helped me do something i never thought i'd be able to do. he was with me in training and he was with me in the race. although the end of the race didn't quite meet my expectations (i was imagining this slow motion finish with my legs looking ever so graceful crossing the finish line...and of course, a light glistening of sweat on my brow), i realized many times my expectations are not in line with what the lord has planned. i think over-the-top spectacular finish, with energy to spare...he gives me humility and a knowledge that without him, i couldn't have done this at all. i focus on how i look...he focuses on how i'm going to make him look.

if i had finished like i wanted, i would have been glorifying myself and it would have been very easy to leave him out. but b/c i finished the way he wanted me to, i can give all glory to God b/c i NEEDED him to help me finish.

like i said before, i wish i could tell you it was a glorious ending to a very intimate journey for me. but when i think about jesus dying on the cross, it wasn't glorious. it was excruciatingly painful....but he endured. and when he breathed his last, all he said was "it is finished". he was done. it was over. glory came later. 3 days later as a matter of fact. (let's just pause a moment, i just compared running a race to jesus DYING on the cross...that's just plain ridiculous. no, i am not comparing myself to jesus in any way, shape, or form. just trying to get the point across that even in pain, God's still present). sometimes i don't see the greatness til i go through the crap. am i regretting running the race? absolutely not. i just found out that i can do anything through the power of jesus christ! things i never thought possible became possible. things that seemed too great for me. and i'm pretty sure i looked like a sweaty blob with bad form when i finished...but i finished. i got to experience humility by the spirit's power, confidence in myself for finishing what i started and overwhelming love and support from my family all in the same day...amazing. on to the next step of faith. 13.1 is done!

almost there

well, i've been a bit of a slacker in my postings lately so for that i apologize. i guess i also feel like there's only so much more i can say about running. i am pretty pumped that i did my last long run before the race last sunday. and to be honest, it was painful. the last mile, i thought my left calf had been split in half, literally. it was also the first time i ran in the heat of the day for such a long period of time. we ran for close to 2 hrs and if i thought i was a sweaty blob before...well, you ain't seen nothin' yet! wow, i was gross. i'm just hoping that i will be recognizable to my family at the end of the race!

on a sidenote, new things are on the horizon. new steps of faith. new acts of obedience. i'm going to be continuing the blog but, obviously, since the race will be here in a week and a half, i've decided to make it about something different. i won't go into all the details but be on the lookout for new things in may, hopefully.

p.s. the comment about the spandex in the last post was not meant to scare. it will only be spandex bottoms, not full body spandex...i wouldn't want to blind the other runners.

double digits, baby

10 miles. i did it! seriously, can't believe it! and i actually felt good like i could've gone a bit longer if i had too....but i didn't. but it was a great encouragement to know that i could run for 90 minutes and only stop twice for a minute or two.

God is building up my confidence little by little. and isn't that just so like Him? sometimes i think i expect these big miraculous signs or unbelievable circumstances from God, when really, i think He shows himself to me when i take little steps of faith...not necessarily grand leaps. don't get me wrong, i think plenty can be said for leaps of faith, but i think sometimes God just wants the steps. even if they're baby steps. b/c either way, leaps or steps, i am still trusting God to show me what to do. in my 30 years of living, i am just now seeing how trusting God might just be the best way to show him that i love him. for my whole life, i feel like i've always tried to do the right thing; in the eyes of God and others...and sometimes those eyes were of equal importance, sad to say. now, instead of trying to figure out what the "right" thing to do is, i may just trust where God is leading me. instead of asking is it right, i'll ask is it what God wants from me. i think there are lots of things that the world deems the "right thing to do" but it may not necessarily be what God wants me to do. but, at this moment, i think God wants me to train. yes, in running, but also in His Word. i think i need to equip myself better with knowing the character of God so when he does things i don't understand, i can still trust Him b/c i know the kind of guy He is. and making my mind ready with specific examples from his Word would be more helpful to me than anything else. i wish i knew the Bible better so i would know exactly where to go in times of need. so all that to say, i'm working on training the body and the mind.

and on a side note, i think i've decided to wear some sort of spandex on race day...couldn't do the frontal wedgie shorts. far too long a run to be picking at my crotch every other stride. and the pure volume of people that may see the frontal wedgie is just too much to bear; i would be crushed under all the pity smiles and "bless your hearts". and for those of you unfamiliar with the southern "bless your heart", it's a nice way of saying "you're an idiot".

shouldn't this be getting easier?

so my assumption was that once i had gotten used to running, it would get easier. not so, my friends. i still want to cut my legs off in the first 20 minutes. now, if i continue running past 20 minutes it does get better and it doesn't feel like i have grown tree trunks for legs. but i also think i may have shin splints or something b/c they hurt really bad for the first couple of miles. but enough complaining...

so i just had an "oh crap" moment the other day. i realized this race is just a month away. 4 little weeks. fear has begun to creep in. i am definitely getting nervous that i might actually die trying to finish this race. i mean, i've only run 8 miles up to this point. this weekend i think i'll be upping it to 10 miles b/c i'm starting to freak out that i really may not finish the 13.1 miles in 4 wks.

on a positive note, i went running last night and the male runners were much more courteous. so glad they found their manners. or maybe they were pity smiling at me b/c my shorts kept riding up on one side....in the front. real nice. i'm sure they thought, "oh poor girl, she looks like a sweaty blob AND her shorts are giving her a front wedgie. i'll be nice and smile at her." thanks. i'll take whatever i can get!

proper etiquette

so we ran a little over 7 miles today and i didn't want to die!!! yay! no really, it wasn't that bad and i felt pretty good afterwards. i am always amazed when i finished that i actually ran that much. i mean, 3 months ago i was working up to 2 miles. the Lord is continually showing me that by His power i can do things that i don't necessarily feel like i can do.

on another note, every time i run i wonder if i am using proper running etiquette. are you supposed to wave and smile when you pass a fellow runner? do you give them the "stare ahead"? or do you just look down at the ground? i typically wave or give a slight smile and i always get mixed reactions. some people smile back, others pretend they don't see me (which this really kind of hacks me off, i mean, who are you, johnny runsalot, that you can't raise your hand up in a wave or just turn the corners of your mouth up into a smile? is this really so taxing a task?). and i've noticed usually females runners will smile back, but many male runners don't...typically, they pretend they don't see me at all. i understand that i look like a sweaty mess, but really, show some manners. i haven't been part of the running world for very long so maybe it works differently than the outside world where people are at least cordial to one another. i did have a guy give me a fist pump once after i had just run up mt. everest (ok, not really mt. everest, but it seemed awfully steep). and i have to admit, i was a fan of the fist pump. it was like he was telling me "press on, sista!" so, in light of the fist pump, i will press on!

a case of the slivers

so, this past weekend i had a sinus infection so i couldn't do my long run. i can't say that i was sad about it. no, no, sad definitely isn't the word. i have been enjoying running thus far, but the long runs are just that, long. but i did manage to run 4 miles last night and felt really good afterwards. i am loving the warmer weather outside! it's so nice not to bundle up just to take it off later when you start getting sweaty. unfortunately, the rest of the week looks like rain so i may be running on a treadmill. and yes, you can call me a weinie if you want, but i do not like running with rain in my face.

on a side note, i may be the first person in history who does not lose weight when training for a half marathon. i made a pound cake 2 days ago and it's half gone. death by sliver. it gets me every time. i feel like i can eat all day if i just eat a little bit each time. i would never eat 3 pieces of cake in one day...that would be absurd! but 7 slivers in one day, well, for some reason in my brain that doesn't seem as bad. now, my husband has eaten a piece or two but i really can't place the blame on him, as much as i'd like to...i'm pretty sure he only eats desserts to make me feel better anyway. this way i can say i didn't eat the whole thing by myself (him: "what happened to the cake?" me: "we ate it all." him: "i only ate 2 pieces" me: "yeah, i know, WE ate it all. what? why are you giving me that look?") oh well, maybe next time, i'll ask the Holy Spirit to take away my sweet tooth.